Memoirs

e: guess your permanently not speaking to me
p: last time we talked u said u were tired of me and of ur wife...both
e: yes iam aware
p : im glad u are
e: sometimes p its increadibly self defeating to want tthe most basic thing i used to share with you and to know you cant and now i wonder do you even want to do you want me
the one woman i love and have wanted for so long and have been threwaso much with
 i cant have in the most basic way
 i feel like crap
p: im very sorry u feel like that and i tried to be here for u but u just didn't want me anymore not if i couldn't give u what u wanted
e: not the case
   just even to feel you wanted to
   i started wondering even that
p: well e u should know the situation didn't change
it's still the same
e: so what are you saying you dont want to give me that i know you cant but christ do have to be so fucking cold about
you cant but do you wabnt to
tell me that
p: the case is that lately i feel quite asexual... i don't want or need any kind of sex so no i don't want it...nor with u or with any other man on the earth
e: thanks a lot
no problem
you can be a mean fucker when you want to be
 but thats o.k.
 i will remember
p: yeah the cold bitch u hate so much
 i tried to be supportive, i tried to give u a lot of love but u didn't let me.....and then u told me that ....it was clear enough i wasn't useful anymore
e:  love
 love
you have systematcally taken from from me one thing after another just fucking like her
 and here and now you make no apologies for anything and thats totally cool
p: so tell me why did u send me this message today? it's clear i just remind u of her
e: once upon a time i think you cared you wanted to be with me in every way now you dont and that hurts like hell
 but you know what
this is good
 bring it on i will deal with it all at once same time
p: i just don't wanna be with u in a sexual way cause i don't feel like having sex but once again u think the entire world is against u and u don't even listen to the ones u have around and are trying to say they care for u
cause u are e allmighty and u know everything don't u....
e: thats crap and you know it
you used to be the one person i could count on my oasis your changing -all you are now are rules
 what we can do
what we cant
 and its more cants than anything
p: i can't believe this
e: you want an antiseptic freindship
 no prob you got it
 sex with me is like it was it with her a burden different reasons same result
 i will give you what you want
p: e u don't need me now
u don't need two wives
and it seems it's all u can see when u look at me
u keep comparing me with her and that sucks
e: your so fucking stuck behind your rules you cant see i need you now more than i have ever in my life-my whole world is changing financially-emotionally-my daughter my marriage everything-you were my constant but you are giving me all thre reasons to compare you to her
 doesnt matter
 i will survive
p: and im still here even though i had promised myself that i really don't need this...i don't need to be compared with the woman u hate so much at this moment of ur life
but  i care for u and that fucking sucks
e: thats what i need now your love-thats what i need most-iam so fucked i dont know if iam coming or going
 i miss you more than you know ....

i didn't have any contact with E for the last month more or less.... he was offline a couple of days now he's back but im showing offline to him all the time. i don't even miss him anymore....not the way he was behaving lately ....he was being such an asshole!!!

i keep talking to GQ almost everyday but i really don't let him come near if u know what i mean...we talk about nonsense, about our days and stuff like that but nothing too personal....i wanna keep it like that...

after a few chats, with me keeping it as real as i could, lawrence just disappeared and i don't think he will ever come back. he's the kind of guy who likes a woman who always agrees with him, submissive....and that is not my style at all!!!! lol.

"i'm gonna steal you from your husband"

don't u ever forget this sentence....never....at the beginning is when all the truth is revealed....never forget these words.

this new guy from london turns out to be american born in california or florida or something like that.... he's cool....very cool....and very fast too...he wanted cell number, me to visit him all the same day!!! and after a few words...man guys are so crazy!!!

im not talking to E....the other day he told me he was sick and tired of me and her...both....so since i don't like to impose my company to anyone im not talking to him. he is online, his yahoo is working i can see when he is online but i simply don't wanna talk to him.

A started a new job two weeks ago and he is very busy so we hardly talk to each other....today he sent me some pics i asked him to take for me... pics of his back .....mmmmmmmmm..... he has such a cute ass!!!! lol. i miss him.... i really do....last week i felt quite lost...this week i just accepted the fact he's not gonna be around.

there is this new guy GQ....he is not exactly new we used to talk but then don't know what happened and i just stopped talking to him...well he is back and now we chat on a regular basis...two days ago  he was horny so he started flirting and i let it clear i was not into that....(lately im never into that) and he told me he had masturbated the night before thinking of me....so what??? i said... i don't mind u doing that.... but i suppose he thought i was gonna be mad with him or something cause yesterday he came online apologizing for his behavior the day before...i was like ...wow....really??? lol... he seems to be a nice guy not my type at all physically but a nice guy.

there's this new guy from london he seems to be a bit serious and maybe conceited...aren't they all snobbish....well we'll see....

and there is this stripper boy with long braided hair....he is cute and very funny but i know what he wants....not a big surprise right??

well i thought i was gonna write only a couple of lines and it seems my life online is getting a bit more interesting right???

"iam not blaming you-if i ever seem as if iam-its just frustration-i need my woman-i need her in every way-i love you-iam not complete without you-iam trying to not let frustration win-but my frustration doesnt come out of angry-its out of desire and love and yes your ass to...."

i take care of myself, im not incredible but im not ugly either, i have an amazing body for my age, im an intelligent woman and im getting old inside my house everyday... i never go out, i don't have relationships with other people, only at work, and im getting old....every single day is more boring than the day before.... i love dancing but i never go out, i love shopping but i never have the money, i love travelling but i can't go anywhere.....the only thing for me is .....getting old...every day....

im here....it's midnight it's not that hot and im on the computer. ok let me see.....A got a job... today was his first day so he's not gonna be online at all!!! im gonna miss him... a lot. E got mad with me last week and he disappeared completely, he turned off his yahoo and i couldn't even see his name highlighted as i like so much...makes me feel good to know he is there don't know why. anyway i sent him an email saying i was missing him a lot and he answered right back . what would i do if i didn't have somebody to go crazy over my ass? life would be boring!! lol....yeah i know as crazy as usual. i asked him today what would have happened if i hadn't sent him that email and he said he would have sent me a bitchy one himself...and i believed him!! lol. he said he just wanted me to give a damn...but i do!!! i really do.

 

i can't post anything here cause this blog is about my internet life and i don't have one... i've been completely disconnected ....and im fine with it...it's too hot to be on the computer all i want is sun and swimming pool....it's gonna be a lonnnnnnnnnng summer....  i love when my skin gets darker and my body gets that light chocolate tan...omg i love the summer i really do.. i wish i had some real vacation too..that would be perfect....