Memoirs

today must be another of those days i have to control my heart and think with my head.... i've just remembered the way u used to dress for me on fridays.. i was watching some of ur pics and sharing some of ur pics with her.... and seeing ur office again made me feel things that i've been trying to forget...why did u get so deeply into my heart??? i still don't understand it... u have the looks but it wasn't all about the looks.... it was deeper than that....much deeper

I have been incredibly horny lately-truly horny-ive wanted you so badly and my inability to be with you -to share with what i would like -has been frustrating-i need this with you-its our intimicacy and not having it for so long is wearing on me-ive been so used to such different situations with you.Dispite all this i know this is a situation you cant control-nor is it something you created-hes home and theres nothing you or i can do right now to change that-iam not blaming you-if i ever seem as if iam-its just frustration-i need my woman-i need her in every way-i love you-iam not complete without you-iam trying to not let frustration win-but my frustration doesnt come out of angry-its out of desire and love and yes your ass to.hope your feeling better-and not so sad

i have waited all night-hoping you would be there at 3.30-i couldnt wait to leave the office to come and talk to you.my qwestion to you was nothing more than seeking reassurance from you-a simply no-would suffice -because i k now you tell me the truth -whether the truth kills me or not.my asking you these qwestions and seeking re-assurance is a direct consequence of l and whether you want to accept it or not so is his fears.you can hate me for saying it-its the truth.what are you going to do p -tell me to fuuck off?-thats an option.but if you want to be understanding then realize your love for l-destroyed two relationships-yours with me and yours with him.destroyed-thats what it felt like for me some time ago-but now i realize -it was never destroyed-i love you to much-rather it was altered-and shattered.only time is ever going to get back trust-and that will take work.reverse it p if you were him-what the fuck would you be thinking-what doubts would you have-they would be many.you cant live under a yoke either-you cant live always apologizing for the past-you made mistakes-mistakes that hurt-but you were honest about them-and your still with him-your trying but your growing tired of feeling constrained-watched-doubted-and tired of feeling guilt-you want it to stop-only problem is-it doesnt go away so easily.you want it the way it used to be-then you have to fucking work for it.

you want to go away to germany-have time alone-great-present it to j as a trip to get much needed time alone-say you want to go-but highlight its with s-shes pregnant-your not going to clubs or parties-its just going be sometime alone.re-assure him-he has nothing to concern himself with-that may seem stupid to you-but after l its necssary for him-only way to keep his sanity.if you lived it from his side-you would understand the need.things will return to normal -when you can do things like go to germany and he realizes you do everything you can to put to rest his concerns-the next time its that much easier and so on and so on-untill normalcy is achieved.anyways obviously tonight didnt tuirn out as i expected-you have a great day-i wont be bothering you

yes i fully realize that-just like i did years ago -this will probably be another bigass mistake on my part-another thing i will grow to regret-but who cares-that about sums up my life-ill be thinking of my advice when hes being intimate with you to-and all i have is a fucking pic to look at-good luck-you deserve to be happy-iam tired of feeling like shit

its no goodbye-iam just sad-tired of wanting the most basic things with you i cant have-its almost like your my piece of perfection-stuck behind a glass i cant breach-i see you-i can love you-i can admire you-i can desire you-but i cant touch you-but the other person behind that glass with you-him-he can touch you anytime-he can feel you anytime-i can only dream of what it would feel like--iam tired-sexualy frustrated-dissapointed and iam bitchy-feels a fucking period without the blood

 

still no phone call...today is mother's day....no messages either...why did i believe him? why am i so naive??

 

well i got that phone call and he has been around leaving messages and sending emails so i suppose he is keeping his promise...

 

 

u want me to be only yours

but then u don't wanna go all the way

u want me to be what u want where u want

what do you mean go all the way

i mean u are keeping me here

u don't have the need of anything else

all u want is internet and to see my ass once in a while

u don't wanna go any further cause u don't wanna get hurt

i gave you all that before what the fuck did you give me- him

and i've told u before u were not giving me a shit anymore....u were distant...u were not the same.....

so that means you turn to him

him

that's the answer i always get right e

of all fucking people

it's my fault

and i have to take it or leave it

fault

thats what you call it

if i wanna be only a fucking internet name and of course talking only to u ...no one else...than that's fine

if not then there's nothing else

that's all im gonna get

you have a lot more than that

maybe thats all you see

that's all u let me see

perhaps thats true

u know it's true

perhaps

do you even desire me anymore and be honest with me

yes e

a lot

and i miss our sexual conversations

but i also miss ur face

and ur voice

i would never know it

and everything i used to have each day to remind me of how much u cared for me

i do care for you

then show it

show it e

very well then

u know i will give u back

i always do

o.k

???

for real??

have u really been listening to me and even considered what i was asking for??

yes i have

why do you think it takes so long to respond

contemplating before answering

i thought u were busy with something

no...

 

 "i use to have you to make this life here tolerable-i dont have you anymore-and iam alone"

i'm getting over you, after a real bad time i think i can say that im over u...yeah. i don't miss u anymore and i have a clear image of what u are ....meaning an asshole....so now i'm feeling much more completed and satisfied with myself.

e: i need your incredible touch
p: babe i can't touch u
e: yes i know you know what imean it feels pretty dam real lol
p: it's not it's just an internet illusion
e: really huh. my illusion is more real than anything i have. love you

p: he's mad with me cause he disappeared during the weekend his yahoo was on but he was showing idle he does that a lot
a: what...disappear during the weekend
p: and he has disappeared before
p: yes
p: his messenger was on for 3 days but he was not at the computer when i saw that he was not on on monday i thought that something could have happened so i left him a message saying... 3 days without touching ur computer...that's weird ..i hope u're ok well i got an email from him on tuesday saying...very nice... i've been sick for 4 days and not even a fucking email from u
a: lol oh boy you two maybe i should say you luv birds and shit so when are you going to kiss and make up
p: he left me a message saying that he had been in hospital for one day and that i didn't give a shit so that he didn't wanna talk to me anymore. now tell isn't that crazy????????????????????
a: more childish to me i would have waited to hear your explanation first before i exploded i just now learned that its best that way
p: he was the one who wanted to keep me inside his computer...he doesn't wanna talk to me on the phone  so now i don't call him
how was i suppose to know what was going on??
p: well he shoots first and asks after he has always been like that
a: yes i could see that well he is that piece that makes your puzzle whole girl....

"you take care babe and remember my days are not the same with you not in it...as constant as there are stars above, always know that you are loved by your soon to be missing piece of your puzzle if you dont get your ass on here"