Memoirs

u were there yesterday at 9.34 pm my time!!!! i couldn't believe it when i saw ur city there, ur city, ur computer...around our time....were u missing me?

u deleted the last thing u had from me... my blog address... it's been a long time since u were there for the last time so i suppose im out of ur life forever. i don't like that....but then i was just a sad woman u tried to help, just an internet stuff that went too far right??

"love most times i can but there times like the time we shared each other it was amazing then to think moments later hes in you -you have no idea how it hurt....it was as if your my wife and i stepped out of our bedroom to come back and know another man is fucking you. its because i love you so much it feels this way

and thats fucked up. thats what i tried to explain but you simply kept telling me its our reality-what were you supposed to do. all thats valid but not in my heart. dont you see? its me thats all fucked up..."

"you dont understand me at all do you-i used to share my most painful moments and my most joyful with you-you rescued me-i was adrift in a world of hurt after her and you found me and you made me whole again-i fell in love-i felt happy-you made me want to get up-you truly did-you had everything i needed-and you two were hurt-so i gave myself to you-my heart you saved me-you made me whole and then you destroyed that very same heart

        iam going to go p. iam at work and i have tears in my eyes -i have a job to do-i cant be like this here"

this all started because he wanted to see me on cam and i said no...so i started to analyze myself trying to figure out why i didn't wanna go on cam with him and we started arguing....well it was more like a discussion...i hate when this happens but i don't understand how something that used to be so fun turned out into such a painful feeling.

yesterday we made it up... he asked me why i was so distant and if he was being an asshole lately...stuff like that and i told him that i was where he wanted me...inside his computer..only. we talked about that and he told me again that he couldn't handle hearing my voice cause that made me too real and him too jealous... anyway i was around much more today but nothing really changed. yesterday he asked me to turn on my cam and he chatted with me for a while observing me and making sweet comments. but then today same as usual... him and his life and me inside his computer...well i know i shouldn't even be here but im always giving him another chance. i suppose i feel i owe him that....

"so even if i had strong feeling for you you would never recognize it cause your heart is hard as a rock thanks to that s o a b"

A

he has been playing the sensitive guy asking me for kisses and shit...he never cared about that and now he's complaining cause he's not getting any kisses... and cause he misses talking to me... bullshit...and that he feels lost..pleaseeeeeeeeeee. i mean am i suppose to believe all that bull??? he asked me over and over again these last days if i was avoiding him and i said no and i said everything's ok that im just busy. i just wanna keep a safe distance

since he is back i have been avoiding him on purpose...i don't wanna go sexual with him and im talking with a big wall...trying not to let him know what im thinking and feeling...so that makes conversation a little difficult. anyway he didn't tell me where he went or with who...he didn't say a word about his vacation and i didn't ask either. he has been very patient leaving me offline messages everyday since he came back and just getting like a dozen of words a day from me. today he left me a message saying that he knew something was wrong, i came online told him i was going to bed and i was just turning off the computer, and i also told him he should get someone, that he needs a woman in his life cause he's feeling real bad and desperate.... ok that freaked him out....he started to say that something should be really wrong cause i had never told him that before.... usual questions and i said he should forget about me and start thinking about himself so he said....

e: you know then i guess i need to stop loving you to

loving me?????????? ohh please!!!!!!!!!!! u don't love someone u wanna keep inside ur computer, u don't love someone u only share ur needs with.... that's not love...that's bullshit...

E was on vacation last week...first time in 3 years what makes me think he has someone... i've been thinking that for a while...since he changed his work schedule... he was never off at the weekends and now he is....he's off but out of here.... sometimes he spents 24h away from the computer... last week he told me he needed some time away from work and that he was going on vacation and he also told me he had no plans... then i got an email saying not to worry cause he was on vacation and away from home. i suppose he was afraid of me getting worried and calling his cell. i don't even have his numbers on my cell anymore...i deleted them....don't wanna be tempted to call him ... no way... wanna keep a nice distance... he's back, sent me an email to say he was back and i don't intend to ask where he was or with who...that way he doesn't have to lie to me....