Memoirs

fuck fuck fuck... i don't know what made me look for ur profile today but i did....and there's a new pic there....one of u lying down on the lawn wearing a black tshirt and a pair of jeans....wow... i wonder why u were dressed like that...maybe it's just a coincidence but there was a time when u used to dress like that for me.... on fridays remember? damn why can't i get over u? u're just an asshole u don't deserve so much attention... u don't deserve a shit!!!!!

yes its an expectation i have -in the back of my mind -a reality i feel to some degree may be inevitable-thats really fear that if you found him again and became to him again what you did-when will be the next time and who

 its simple any of you is better than none at all

these limits are there and its not your fault i get them blurred but moments like those remind me what it we have and the limits to it-so i cant get so much in love and feeling your mine when in reality practically your not

no p iam not here to hurt you-you and i have something very special very unique-yes we have limits-but we have to experience everything we can within them but its not an easy process not an easy place to operate we are both hiuman and we will both of us get it confused at times thats when the other has to pull you back to reality. however dont expect everyday to be happy i dont want to be here to argue or be unhappy but we both got ourselves here it takes working it out if you dont have the stomach for it then be honest with yourself

maybe i should have said...i didn't

i didn't get a single card on valentine's day...not even one

well where do i start...the other day E asked me for a pic again and when i said no he came up with the thing he had a new cell and was not gonna give me his number i said ok but he gave it to me anyway. ok last sunday he sent me an email saying he needed to talk to me about something important, i thought he was in trouble cause he usually doesn't ask me for help so i tried to call him... no answer, on monday he tells me he lent his cell to a friend.... he called me during the week once from work and that was all...no answer to the sms i sent him on friday.

now this gets even better...he has been away the entire weekend...this morning i got an email saying that he got in trouble because of me...anyway he asked me what was on my mind and i told him...

"i want to say this relationship is hurting me that i don't know what's my place anymore that i don't know what i can expect from u or what u really want from me...u said u were waiting for the day i will leave again for the day i will go back to L so what kind of relationship is this??  i try to stay away, to not ask too much from u but then that hurts me and i don't know what the fuck we're doing here anymore" 

to that he started to say that it was all my fault cause everytime he tried to get closer and feel something deeper for me i would put on some barriers and i wouldn't let him go further... those barriers were always there!!! from the first day we talked so he started rambling about L again....he's jealous about what i felt for him he wanted me to feel the same about him, he wanted me to be willing to leave everything for him....even though he would never do the same for me...lol.... typical

Well i know you are at work now but i had a little time and was going over those voice messages you had left me and i just cant help but to say the way you smile and even the way you talk...girrrrrrrrrllllllllll  your voice is so sweet that even the birds outside the window beside me just hush their singing...smile. Anyways you enjoy the rest of your day and i will try to link up with you next week....later babes.

i haven't heard from him for the last few days... 3 or maybe 4....

the most amazing thing is that he expected everything to remain the same after what he told me. im supposed to accept that he can't give 100% to me and keep giving it all to him... what the shit does this guy think i am??? i was talking to him before, but im keeping my distance, i mean he is waiting for the day when im gonna betray him again right?? he can't open his heart completely to me so im not gonna be the stupid one giving it all to a relationship that doesn't have a future anyway.... all we can be is friends.... and not even that actually cause we have walls all over...anyway he was asking me what was going on, why was i so distant and cold... i don't understand men i really don't and i hate them more and more each day....fucking egocentric beings!!!! and if they aren't like that then they are liars!!!! for real this sucks!