Memoirs

he told me that he didn't trust me that he was waiting for the next time i would betray him... he told me he wasn't calling me anymore cause he was afraid that one day soon i would go back to L. he asked me why should he believe this time would be different, why should he trust it won't happen again.... and i told him he shouldn't... i told him to go away from me... i told him that i could understand the way he was feeling and that he shouldn't be here cause this was causing him too much pain.... he left... he had to... he was at work...

last week i could watch a very very hot shower... for real...it was amazing!!!! he was at a hotel, for business and he im'ed me. he was in a very horny mood of course, u know morning hard on... the thing is he said he had to get into the shower and if i wanted to watch...and i said...yes!!!!!!!! that was completely new for me and i was curious and excited too. he wanted to see something too so we got into a bargain for a while which i won of course!! so the deal was he would shower and i would watch... he took the computer to the bathroom and started teasing me letting me see only the shower and then only his tummy... his chest... his arm....his butt and then he asked me if i really wanted to see him naked .... which i answered with a big YESSSSSSSSS ... so he got into the shower....butt naked of course and showing me how excited he was already... he started to caress himself ...always checking my face and the way i was watching him... he's big and he has a nice body...not as cute as his face...he's a handsome guy but it was a hell of a show!!! he kept getting out of the shower to type stuff on the computer so when he finished he was like...damn there's water everywhere!!!! lol good thing he was not at home! anyway i got a message from him today saying that i was kind of distant since the shower day and if i still wanted to talk to him...i didn't know men could think like that too..i was about to say...don't worry babe i still respect u....lol

k: your flavor is smooth soothing and warm

i cant talk to you everyday and not want you
you make me want you
just to hear from you
tonight i was hoping you would come online

when your name came up i felt butterflys

i want this with you
its us p
we have a powerful attraction
and i love it
fuck i cant feel complete o near complete without you

your a part of me that is incredibly real-and now an intergral part of my life
i dont talk to you and i walk around like the world just ended

iam sad-angry its under the surface but its there
then i connect with you and its gone away

but i do know we have a complicated relationship
but i wouldnt get rid of it for anything

stop being shortsighted
you dont know the future
and we have but written a chapter in an unfolding book
it aint over

dispite us being on here
i will tell you why its more why its real
because i can lay in my bed and have an amazing orgasm of a woman ive never touched-i can be sick with worry over her and you can soothe my pain-i can miss you as much as if youve been with me all my life
thats real as real as it gets

you know what better to experience this than to be dead inside

yesterday at 8pm u were there again. it makes me feel good u know... to know that u still look for me that u remember me once in a while and u go there to check how im doing.... i really love it...

why am i so much into u lately? i don't understand myself. im starting to think that is not good to know when u come to my other blog... makes me think of u... much too often....

while i was on vacation there were a lot of sms back and forth and i called him once or twice...then one night i went out with a friend and he sent me a sms i answered him and after 10 sms ( my friend was getting pissed) he called me. i was in this beautiful place, next to the beach so i went out to the terrace to talk to him on the phone, he was back from his trip to cancun and we talked for more than an hour.... that's one of the most beautiful memories i have... his voice, that soft and cool night and the sound of the ocean...wow it was like being in his arms for a while...what a shame u are a jerk ... what a shame u're not the man u said u were... if u were i think i would be with u by now... i really think so....

i remember once i sent L a tshirt saying... i'll be back...and i told him i wanted him to be back to me...always. he said he would always be back to me...as long as i wanted him to. i supposed that changed. now i don't want him back, i don't him in my life anymore...my heart misses him more than ever and cries for him every day but my mind says no and it's about time i follow my mind. i know i can't have him back i know that would hurt me i know i should never talk to him again cause if i do i will fall for him again.... but sometimes it's so difficult to listen only to ur mind. my mind keeps telling me...he's a liar, u can't trust him, he says the same stuff to 3 or 4 different women, he just loves the attention, he just wanna feel good with himself...but then my heart whispers how much i loved to hear his voice saying...who loves u? or just seeing his name on my mail box could and can make my heart racing....im so pathetic...i know...but once in a lifetime it's not that much right... i mean im always in control, im always the one who makes the rules, im the one who never lets her heart go ahead, im the one who never cries, im the one who never loves completely....except with him...except him....there's always an exception and he is mine. i hate when i have a L day....

K and i have just finished chatting. he was up at 3am and we cammed and chatted for more than an hour. it was good, lots of fun, it's always good when u have a new friendship... but ....while i was writing this he came back to tell me..."came back tell you I think you are great. night".... what am i gonna do with this guy? i mean it's all about my ass as usual but he does it with so much style!!!!lol... i love it... i really do

why do u turn me on so much... u are trying to make me fall... u want me to be weak for u.... i want u so much right now.... it's even hard to put it into words how much my body wants urs....

E is back, smooth, sweet, weak, needy, tender.....and i love it. we banned the 3 letter word from our life....not for long but im making him swallow his own words....lol. he came to me saying that all he wanted from me was friendship nothing else that i could not make him horny anymore... i suppose that was a way of saying  ....please try ...please...lol. well i knew he was weak, so he fell as soon as i said "now" just the way he had planned...BUT... after that i sent him an email saying he was right, saying we should leave that out of our relationship cause that was the reason of all the problems... only friendship...nothing else....yeah right!! anyway we have been chatting and i love each word, each moment we spend together... he looked for me every day last week, even the day he was off and the other day he told me that when i was away he felt as if a part of him was missing and that made him angry cause he felt he needed me and he didn't want that.... well he's back ....and sometimes i think this is gonna be an on and off story that's gonna last forever.

k has been sending me a voice message a day... i made up with E and A is acting a bit detached lately

i've been ill, feeling like shit so there's not much to talk about...ohh yeah K was a false alarm he's not a big deal just another guy trying to have what he wants the way he wants...the only difference is he has a cute way of asking for it... he left me a voice message on my yahoo... he does have a nice voice!!!! a bit nervous but nice.

E decided it was about time to stop talking to me again.... whatever... i sent him a message yesterday or the day before i don't even remember asking him what did he want from me... i mean i don't really know what he wants anymore the only thing im really sure about is that i can't give it to him... i just can't.... yeah i know this all sounds weird...there are days when i only wanna forget about internet and this stupid life here and get free of this shit but then i look around and i miss it... i guess im only confused and tired of so much bullshit...and i recognize im also full of shit.... so ...........it stinks here!!!!! lol....

let me see... first K...he has been out, working so i haven't heard from him. well i did yesterday, he sent me a message and he wanted to chat but i told him i was about to leave and didn't chat at all. i suppose im tired of being the one who is always ready to give myself to them so i wanted to make him feel that im not always here waiting for him. anyway he sent me a message a while ago saying he was missing me ( i wonder how can he miss someone he barely know) and that he would look for me later.

about E ...ohh yeah it isn't over for what i can see...well he sent me a request to add me to his messenger again this noon... i said yes and i asked him what was that...he came online to tell me that he was still mad with me but missing me too much. he said he needed me so much he had to talk to me.... fuck him!!! i told him i was mad with him too cause everytime he gets mad he treats me like shit and he started rambling about decency .... i couldn't believe what i was reading for real...so i just got off...he's online now but i have no intention of talking to him again. i told him i can't give him what he's asking from me... i can't and im tired of all the fights and shit....

A had this message on his blog...."I love you and that are not only words. It is a meaning in a special way u can't found every where. i respect you and love you as you are... with all you was, you be now and you will be...." i asked him about it and he told me he didn't know who had written that...sounded so familiar.... yeah. i kept trying to make him understand im not in love with him and i don't mind if he has more special friends as he says i am. but he didn't say a word....i wonder what that could mean.... and who wrote it.... he deleted it right away....

 

u have been there again today, u were at school... i wonder what u were doing there, calling someone maybe.... yeah... just 3h ago.... man what are u looking for in there? a piece of me? is that what u want? or u wanna see how much i miss u, how much i want u....lol...yeah maybe that's the reason right mr pride? u wanna feel u still have that hold on me.... ohh u're soooo wrong... and one day i'll show u how wrong u are

yesterday was our third day and we spent the entire day sending messages to each other... we didn't chat much but we exchange a lot of emails. it's amazing how sweet he is and how cute.... ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i like this... i need it.... my real life sucks and i don't even wanna think of it and even less live it so i need this little treat on the internet, a handsome and sexy guy who spends his day looking for me on his computer and sending me emails saying he's thinking of me.....

"i work hard and play hard but hold gentle. thinking of u all day."

this is yesterday's sentence. im having so much fun. i just hope this will last...

ok ok ok i have to tell u about him.... im gonna call him K. we met yesterday, let me think... in a chatroom, yeah he sent me a message and i answered, he showed me a pic of him and i almost fell off my chair.... this guy isn't real... im serious...he's supposed to be 38 and he looks like 28, he's thin and has this amazing lovely smile.... and he liked my pics as much as i liked his. later he sent me an offline message saying he was thinking of me... i love that and i have this weird feeling as if i knew him already.... for a long time... he's so much as i like... i can't believe it and he told me his surname and said to me he could call me someday... this guy isn't for real

K: well, you make me feel all crazy inside
K: shit
K: its hard to explain
K: sorry
p: lol
p: mmmm i like that
K: i should not be saying that after two days
p: no u shouldn't

u were on my blog again, i know u're not working and u checked my blog from home. what were u doing on my blog on the 31st??? last day of the year... were u bored or just thinking of me....i can't help wondering....