Memoirs

today i realized that i sent L the first pic i took to put on my profile here on the internet. that was about 3 years ago by this time, it's a pic next to the christmas tree. it was the first pic he saw of me and two years later i sent it to him for his birthday.... actually i sent him a teddy ( a very cute one) with a little frame and my pic in it....

lol... he used to call me cutie.... i didn't like cause it made me feel as if i were a teddy bear, so he used to tease me calling me that...lol

once i told him the hottest clothes for a guy were only a pair of jeans... so next day he sent me some pics of him laying on his bed wearing only a pair of jeans...(smile) yeah i can't stop smiling thinking of those pics....

while we were chatting many nights he used to do as if he was holding someone and he would tell me... see this is ur place... u should be here with me.... so much bullshit!!!!!

like an hour ago E called me... he was mad as usual so we argued on the phone. well he had many questions for me and one of them was...

why am i the asshole that concerns himself when you go out...why?

"i hope u were able to rest well last night and that somehow u found me in ur dreams because i was here trying to force my way into them. i went to bed last night with you so heavily on my mind and i just turned on my side, held on to my pillow and closed my eyes and thought only of u and i. i saw u walking into my door with that look on ur face when u want to say something to me but can't find the right words to use, then i closed the door behind u and softly pushed ur back against it. i put my hands really close to ur face but didn't touch it at first cause i wasn't sure my body was ready to find out what it will really feel like to have possession of u. then i done it, i touched ur face and u closed ur eyes and started breathing heavily so i knew that touch was as special to u as it was to me. then i couldn't resist placing my lips on urs and for the first time i heard a moan and that just made the kiss become more passionate. my hands explored ur body starting at ur neck and working their way down ur arms and to ur hips and round u for a little squeeze of that perfect ass and then back up just to brush against ur tits...mmm... another moan. at this point i had to have u so my lips made their way to ur neck as my hands removed ur top revealing those nipples i have pictured so many times and i couldn't stop my lips from heading straight to them. first my tongue tasting around them then playing with them a little  before taking a mouth full of ur tits in my mouth while my other hand showed ur other breast some well deserved attention. then i moved down to ur tummy, my goodness i think it is sooo sexy and to be able to play with that sexy navel ring..mmm...i turned my face to the side and glided it over ur belly as i removed ur pants and my hands go straight to ur ass, it doesn't get any better than to be able to smell u while my hands are full of that perfect ass. then i took one of ur legs and put it over my shoulder so that it would open ur p***y a little as i kissed the inside of ur tights and let the hair of my chin just brush against ur clit every now and then. when i can't stand just smelling u any more and u can't stand me just being close to that spot i will just had to taste u so i put my tongue inside u as far as i could and listen for the next moan and then i gave attention only to ur clit so that i could feel ur hips moving to make sure i was hitting the right spot, ur hands moving all over me letting me know that i am pleasing u. seeing u, move that way gets me so hot that i have to have u, i work my way back up ur stomach and taste ur breast again for a short time and back to ur neck and i whisper to u how good u taste and how much i want u while i remove my pants, then i reach around u and grab ur ass again with both hands and pick u up so that ur legs are wide open and my d**k finds that place it has been looking for from the time u walked into the door. we hold on to one another tightly as we start off with slow, long movements and they become more intense and faster as u get even more wet inside, i look into ur eyes and say... baby please don't stop. after u feel me explode inside u , i take u to the couch and sit u down so that i can make sure u do the same. back down to taste u again and feel the warmth of u until u have that arch in ur back and ur hands on my head to make sure i don't stop at the wrong moment... omg....

sooooo...... how was ur night baby????...lol"

today u were on my blog... exactly at 8.16pm. i could see u on my stats...it's all there except ur name but i don't need to see ur name to know it was you, right?

i'm here.... lying on my couch, thousand of miles away from u, wearing the t-shirt u bought for me and thinking that we are still connected despite time and space....

this morning i was thinking how different i am now from the way i was 3 years ago when all this internet shit started... i've really changed...im much more myself now... and sometimes i suppose that is not good for the ones around me. im much more selfish and sometimes i really don't care about other's needs at all. it's all about me!!! damn i lived 13 years of my life for others...so now it's my turn. in these last 3 years i've learned a lot about myself and about the way i feel towards others. L was important in that process, he was the reason of many changes and the most amazing thing is that he didn't even know he was doing something...lol. im mad with him... still and i think in a way i will always be. i don't wanna talk to him again, don't wanna listen to his excuses cause i know they are all bullshit. he wanted to fuck me and that's all but he's wise and he knew from the first moment we talked i wouldn't do it unless i would fall for him. so he dedicated all his energy to make me love him....it was a good plan huh... and he was sooo good doing that... he really was. i remember once i told him that all he wanted was that and he said.... think P... think deeply and tell me what i got from u in this relationship, tell me when did i took something from u...all i did was give, i gave u all u asked for....

"him: what did I want from you P?
him: what have I asked you for?
me: the same u want from everyone else
him: hmmmmmmm. well listen...I can't be mad at you only at myself so i don't want you to feel as thought I am turning things around because I'm not. I do love you....you don't have to hear that but I said it any way, you spend time alone thinking about us and ask yourself, what this man took from me. think really hard and I bet you can not come up with one thing. then ask what I have given you. I have only tried to give you whatever you asked for..."

the lover sent me a message to know which phone i was using now cause he wanted to meet.... so he wanted to know which number he should use to text me...wow he could even remember the week i was supposed to be near him... amazing in a guy...it really is. but things don't went well and im not going anywhere.... so no capuchinno this time... what a shame...lol

A told me something the other day which was pretty amazing in a way but then on the other hand i kind of knew it. i have this special feeling for stuff like that. im glad he had a good time... but im even more happy with the fact he told me about it. he didnt want to cause he thought that was gonna change our friendship.... bullshit!!! i don't really care what he does out there...he's not my lover...but i appreciated the share of secrets we had...

E is kind of huffy with me...lol yeah i know i know.... this morning we were having a very good chat, having a great time together when suddenly someone came home to bring me flowers and i was so surprised i told him.... so he got all huffy and logged off. i haven't talked to him after that but i know he's in a very bad mood.

K sent me a message the other day and we have a date this sunday... he told me that for him the most important thing was our chats and our friendship and that all the rest was like a treat....lol.... yeah i know.. i thought ......he thinks i don't chat with him anymore cause he was always telling me how wonderful i was and how much he liked me and my body....and u know what?? he's right... i got tired of so much sugar coating....