Memoirs

when i come here it always surprised me the way time flies... yeah .... well E and i are still great.... just great, everything goes smoothly and im starting to think this is gonna last forever... i know that's a big mistake. anyway he has been so sweet with me, leaving me messages all day long saying he's missing me and stuff... sweet... yeah. about A im mad with him. i think he was kind of rude with me today, well not rude but he made me feel like i was wasting my time, like what i was doing for him was not a big deal at all. so im feeling dissapointed... yeah that's the word.

D sent me an email, very weird one as usual, talking about how much he hates christmas and rambling about being a castle of cards...as i said before...pretty strange. ohh yes K tried to talk to me a few times this week... but i know what he wants and i just don't wanna go there so i said hi and just left not long after. he has a new job so he's busy most of the time, the other day he asked me if he scared me away and i said no but deep inside i think he did... i mean when we talk and he starts saying how beautiful i am and how interesting and all that shit i only think .... yeah yeah yeah.... i know what u want and im not gonna give it to u... so it's almost impossible to have a decent conversation with him. the lover sent me an email the other day saying he would like to meet me again in december.... lol... yeah i know he would love that....

i don't spend much time online anyway... only about 1 or 2h in the morning and sometimes some time at noon. i hardly ever turn my computer on at night... so i don't have much to tell. actually i think my internet life is almost as boring as my real life right now....lol

yesterday i talked to E for a long time, we talked about L and didn't argue...i know i know seems impossible...but we did it!!! he asked me a lot of questions and i said the truth even to the ones i knew it was gonna hurt him. i don't have all the answers and there are stuff i did that not even i can understand... so that's the way it is. i don't know why i fell for L i know what i liked about him but i also know most of those things i liked were bullshit so i came to the conclusion i fell for someone that doesn't really exist. anyway our chat was good, i think we needed to have a conversation like that, no bad words, no argument, just listen to each other...we are only a man and a woman with all the issues, all the fears and all the worries...but i think he got my point... i wanted him to realized that feeling cared and wanted is very important to me.... it's the most important... i need the offline messages i need to feel he thinks about me, he needs me, he wants me... that's what i need. and he has his needs too...that's why we are here, that's what we look for on the internet...someone to fill our voids, our needs. we find that in each other, we cover those needs of passion, of love, of care... he told me yesterday he doesn't want to fight or argue anymore that he prefers it this way, the way we are now.... i hope that lasts cause i prefer it like this too... even when we can't talk to each other we are leaving messages so that the other knows we care.

yesterday i was so depressed, thinking about L and the reason why he sent me that email one year later, i wanted to call him, i know his number by heart, i deleted him from my life and computer but i don't have a delete button to my mind. i wanted to call him so badly...but i didn't. i called my friend instead and i told her what was in my heart and after that i got an epiphany... lol... for real. i remembered something she told me like 3 months after we broke up. she told me ... i talked to him and he told me he never loved u,  that u were only an internet stuff that went too far and also that he could have u back if he wanted to.... so at that very moment i realised why he sent me the email. he knows me and he knows i was very mad with him and that i wouldn't talk to him for a very long time...but .... he thought that if i had to live one year away from him i was gonna miss him so much that i would run back as soon as he said hello.... well u know what mr. L??? u're wrong....

i can't believe this... i've just talked to SW!!!!!!!!!!! for real.... omg i talked to my pearl... it was not planned at all and i really think it won't happen again in a long time. i have this feeling he doesn't wanna to keep in touch. he said he will be here on monday but i don't think he will. he's fine but not happy at all. what a shame right...he was not that bad while he was away from home...missing a woman but pretty happy with everything else... we used to chat for hours, voice chat... i could hear everything, even his burps...lol... for real. it was funny...we used to exchange music and our thoughts. im sure he has a good reason for this absence, im sure....

things have been quiet lately. i've been working a lot so most of the days i don't even turn the computer on in the afternoon. that means i've only been talking to A and E ...no one else. E is not happy with it of course. today i got a message from him saying i was doing all this on purpose and that all i wanted was to be with L. he can make me feel bad early in the morning... well u know how it is...he came online said he was sorry and that he was just missing me....that i wasn't being fair with him cause he was missing me so much and i wasn't here anymore....

 

at last!!!...im all alone, relaxed and i can think and write about that email. omg i never thought he would contact me again... for real. it's completely crazy cause last year, exactly the same day L left a comment on my other blog, i remember it as if it were yesterday, it said....tell me something good.... and i answered him there was nothing good to say. exactly one year later he sends me that email...saying he just wanted to say hi. shit nobody does that ....not the same day... what is he trying to do?? he certainly made me feel a lot again, more than i would ever admit... to him or to anyone else. that's why i keep this place, to be able to open my heart without thinking twice. im not gonna answer him, i don't wanna talk to him again but i love the fact he didn't forget me. i wondered that so many times...

sometimes i wonder....

do u ever think of me?

do u ever listen to some music and think of me?

do u ever look at a teddy bear and think of me?

do u ever stand in front of a computer screen and miss me

cause no matter how hard u try nobody can take my place.

do u ever miss my voice, my accent, my laugh?

do u ever eager for our time together, for the feeling of being with me?

cause u know....

sometimes i do!!!

dec 9, 2004

and now one year later i get an email from u saying u just wanna say hi...lol.... man!! when i saw ur name... i can't explain it...

feeling completely hopeless

it was an amazing feeling

it was love and a broken heart

surprise and pain

happiness and sorrow

my heart smiled and felt ripped

all at the same time

i felt loved and cheated again

i saw ur face

and heard ur voice telling lies

i felt cozy and safe

as i used to but

a thick cold grew inside of me

hate and love

care and despise

you and me

nov 10, 2004

i suppose i felt the same again. i like so much to know u couldn't forget me, that u still think of me...i don't understand why or what for, i don't know ur reasons, i really don't but i like to think im a part of ur life as u will always be a part of mine.

i got an email from him today... more than a year after our last chat....

A is going further .... a bit each time and that sometimes scares me...he wrote something for me saying he wanted to use the 3 words so badly but that would scare me away.... on the other hand he's having this wonderful relationship with his girlfriend... so it's kind of hard to understand right?? E on the other hand sent me a couple of emails and messages complaining that i was not here to talk to him and that he was tired of waiting for me....and this morning he was here and his attitude changed... he was all calmed down, interested in what i was feeling and in how tired i was.... and u know why? cause he wants me to take a pic for him... that's the only reason... he wants... he wants... he wants...

Don’t ever fall too hard.....
If there's no one there to catch you....
Don’t ever tell me you loved me....
When hurt me is all you do...
Don’t ever try to hold me...
When you always pushed me away...
Don’t ever tell me, it was meant to be....
If all you did, was lie to me....
If you fall...
Try to catch yourself...
Cause you may think that their there for you...
When actually they never where....
So if you've ever loved someone,
You must know how it feels....
To be told that they love you...
To be told your worth everything...
To be told that your beautiful...
When at the end, misery is all this brings...
Have you ever.......
Loved somebody so much,
You just want to die...
Have you ever.......
Needed someone so much....
Everynite you cry???

ripcs420

"Just keep it warm on the left side of the bed by the window...i am taking my private jet in five minutes to snuggle up with ya and keep you warm so that your dreams may be pleasant ones..."

about E.... long story...same old story....im still here but im not always here... i still miss him but that's not all i do.... i talk to him but i don't give myself to him anymore.... i exchange pieces of me but not of my heart...

wow it has been eight days since my last post. amazing.... ok me and A are perfect together, we chat everyday and when we can't find each other here on the internet we use our cells...no no not phone calls cause i have problems to understand his accent and he has problems to understand mine....lol so we use sms's. i went to work today and i got this sms....

"i've been searching and searching and still no lady p.

if u're at work then i wish u good luck teaching the banana trick (private joke),

enjoy the rest of ur day sweetie"

i love the attention and i love the way we keep things real, no bad feelings, no possession, no true love just a nice and deep friendship.

T has been around but not too much, we chatted like one night last week and it was good, he sent me a lot of pics from his trip to amsterdam and i really enjoyed his company.

C is still sending me emails saying he wants to know me better and the other day he sent me one saying he wants to meet me... i know ...crazy!!!!

there's no one else around...ohh yeah i've been meeting a lot of guys online from this page, i have my profile there and it's k to meet new people.