Memoirs

i've been having some Ldays lately...yesterday someone told me the guy from csi new york looks like him... they could be brothers he said... not exactly but yeah there is a resemblance.

im still alive... lol... just not in the mood for posting lately, there's nothing new anyway. things with A get better every single day, we get closer and better friends with each chat. with E everything is pretty much the same too, he spent a couple of days trying to be a good guy, understanding type, saying he was sorry for not doing things right and trying to listen to me till yesterday, when i suppose he just got tired of being good and we argued again for stupid things. i believe it would be impossible for us to be together more than 10m without arguing, i really do... yesterday it was not a big deal just something i won't change my mind about... period. this is all so silly ... i should know better....

looking at ur pic makes my heart race... crazy huh...

e: did you ever stop to think that just maybe i fear it-you have left me x number of messages on yahoo-i think five and i have not listened to a single one
p: fear of what
e: did you think that me being able to hear your voice everyday-feeling you even that much more might just make me want you more make it even harder when i want you so bad but i cant touch you....your voice....it conveys far more than this medium
p: weird way of thinking
e: very real...you see love there are days we talk some sexual some not some both where my desire for you is overwhelming-i want to just grab you-yet it kills inside to know i cant feel you...imagine ...we both have our cams on-we are talking to each other-daily-we can hear one another and see one another everyday-it will be even more real
p: it is fucking real!!
e: what we share p requires compromise-i will get the microphone-i will listen to your messages and we will share this experience but if i ask to cut it back to a comfort level i hope you can be flexible....

i have so many feelings inside right now spinning around i really don't know where to start... i suppose those sentences u can see on my last post were E's way of trying to fix things between us...strange way of doing it i know... he uses his sarcasm to make me react i suppose he thought i was gonna start arguing and saying that that was not what i wanted as i would have done a few months ago... well not anymore, my answer to those messages were just two words...cool E... just that... i don't feel like arguing i don't feel like telling him that he has been hurting me in a way that he doesn't even know, and i don't wanna tell me that he has been making me feel like a shit. when i sent him a message early this year he told me things were gonna be different and i told him i knew that but i suppose that deep inside i was wishing and hoping he would be the same with me again... now i know i was wrong... so wrong... sometimes i wonder if this is just a revenge, if he's trying to make me payback for my mistake....anyway it's too late for this too late for us... i don't have to be so sensitive and sentimental i don't like pain and i don't like suffering so why keep going with this?....

glad you got your life back take care

is this a goodbye message? just to get things clear u know....

yeah iam sure it wouldnt matter you-so consider it that

youve been moving this way for time time so here you go-its handed to you

E

E is so mad with me he doesn't talk to me anymore... what else is new, right? he's jealous cause im meeting some friends at home every friday, we chat and watch movies, we drink and have a good time... as i said on a previous post i need to live my real life instead of being stuck here on the internet. he even threatened me by sending some pics of his birthday ( he's turning 39 on october 15th) and he's going on a trip to celebrate his birthday...as if i didn't know already what these trips mean... please... i know how much he wants and needs ass....so it's not a big deal if he goes away to get it...now...the problem comes when he hides it from me ... and it seems he has been hidding a lot from me lately... that reminds me another old story with someone else... he also hid from me things and i deleted him from my life completely... maybe i should start thinking of doing the same with E... maybe i should....

Are you going to talk to me and tell me how you have

langerfeld is L's cologne.... sometimes i just remember these little details and they stick to my mind.....i thought i should vent them here....

i haven't written on here lately cause i haven't been online that much this week. some of my friends tried to contact me but i just told them i was very busy which is true. besides being busy i also decided i was spending too much time in here and not living my life as i should.... especially in my relationship with E i was investing too much time and too much of myself so i started doing the same he does... im only online when it's convinient to me which means that we don't talk much anymore. i was the one trying to be here whenever i knew he had a free moment, trying to talk to him any way i could... but not anymore...enough of that. now he gets all huffy if i don't talk to him during the day and he says that im avoiding him... not at all...just living my life as he does. this is much better to me... much better....

i've been away for the weekend but before that i had a really good time with E...yeah again..i know this is so crazy but i think that i could meet him and have all my fantasies come true. the lover sent me an email asking me to come to visit and well.... he lets me know he wants more than just a visit... but im not into him....at all. he's not my type and im not into him ...period. A is away till tomorrow and im missing him already. im used to come to the computer and have a lot of offline messages and emails from him and today there was nothing!!!! i hate when that happens. i know im spoiled!!! so what? an old friend sent me an email today, he wanted to know if L was still in my life what made me think he stepped out cause i was not giving him all the attention he wanted to. now he wants us to start chatting again but before that he asked about L. last day me and A talked i told him a lot about L. sometimes i suppose i need to vent about him so this weekend he was on my mind much more that i want to admit.