Memoirs

yesterday E told me he was gonna be online this morning so i was here at 9am. i really wanted to talk to him but as usual all he wanted was to see my ass. i told him we needed to talk cause my schedule is gonna change soon and it's gonna be even more difficult for us to chat so he told me that was all a part of my plan...yeah he keeps thinking im doing this on purpose, that im keeping away from my computer on purpose and he doesn't understand that i have to live my life, that all this shit is hurting me, that he deceives me every single day, that i have to keep a distance between us to avoid going mad. i tried to explain all this to him but he doesn't understand, he doesn't listen to me or he's just to selfish to even pay attention. i know he was making serious efforts not to fight cause he wanted to see my ass... he's so crazy about my ass!!! sometimes i feel like im all ass... after he got what he wanted i told him i had to go. then he told me he loved me and as usual i didn't answer back so he told me...P...say it... i wanna hear it...so i did and then.... i started crying...

i've just had a chat with my baby E, he's sick and he seems like he wants to fix things between us... i wish we can... i miss him so much... nobody makes me feel the way he does... no one. on the other hand no one makes me feel more miserable either so ..... we'll see...

T has come online today, he left me a message saying he was leaving today. he's gonna be in amsterdam and then madrid and he'll be back next friday. i said hi and asked what was wrong with him... he was like...wrong with me ..why and when i told him i had said hi twice and that he had immediately logged off he said he hadn't got anything... i don't know if he was saying the truth or not but well he kept saying he missed chatting with me and that our last chat was ...what's the word he uses all the time...stunning..yeah. in a way im glad to have him back but i don't trust this guy 100% ...don't ask me why is just a feeling...

about all the other guys... T is ignoring my messages on yahoo but he keeps leaving me messages on my other blog which i don't really understand... K has sent me a few messages lately but always when im offline... i have this feeling he doesn't wanna talk but at the same time doesn't wanna lose contact. C has disappeared forever i suppose... i haven't heard from him in a month or so. M is still there... he is always there... we keep in touch and i think that's all.

E and i are in deep trouble... i really think so. he sent me a message this morning saying he was online waiting for me so i signed in on msn...but i was so mad with him...we didn't talk much and i just left. then i sent him an email saying that he's my special friend which is true and that what is happening to us has nothing to do with anyone else but us. i still miss him in my life more than anything, but i miss my black twin not what he became... not this selfish guy who only thinks about himself and his needs...i miss the time when he really cared for me, thought about me and wanted to be with me. it's not like that anymore... he didn't answer my email...so i suppose he's gonna be all huffy for a couple of days...i feel so lost... that's what i told him in that email...things are getting worse and i don't know what to do... i feel lost.

A was here this morning and we had a great time as usual. i would say we had a great time and this morning was a special morning. our friendship is growing in a very slow and nice way. i told him about E today, i told him how important and special E is to me and that he is my black twin...and that will never change. i got my video at last!!! yeah a while ago he told me he had made a video to me but then he didn't wanna send it... and we spent a few days fooling around with the video thing... today he sent it to me and i must say i loved it!!! yeah yeah yeahhhhhhhhhhh.... wow i made him tell me what he was thinking while he was recording it and that made it even better...lol. there are lots of things i like about this guy but one of them is that he is so patient... he always say... we still have time... we have plenty of time... i love that patience and other thing is the way he cares about my feelings, the way he listens to me... for real... we had some problems at the beginning to understand each other's sense of humor but not anymore... now we can play around comfortingly.

well i was so right!!! lol .... ok i've had a great day today inside and outside the internet... A sent me a PP this morning and he sang happy birthday to me twice... i had a very good time with him. he was also the first cause he sent me an sms at 1am...he's such a sweet!!! i asked him if he slept alone last night and he told me he didn't... that he sent me the sms while she was lotioning his back....this guy is so crazy!!!!  i got sms's from some friends online and a couple of emails...R surprised me... i never thought he would remember my birthday... we haven't talk for over one year... but today there it was... an email from him wishing me a wonderful day and saying that he still thinks of me and misses me... that was nice!!! E was online this morning asking me where i was cause he was online and wanted to talk to me... well...talk is not exactly the word...anyway i ignored him... didn't feel like fighting and of course he forgot it was my birthday ....as usual.

i had a very good day and i felt loved and cared which is something i can't thank enough.... thank u my friends for all the love u can give and share.... THANK U!!!!!!

E and i have been fighting everytime we have the chance of talking. he keeps being sarcastic with everything i say and right now he was online and he tried to fix it the only way he knows...ignoring it... why do most guys try that? u cannot solve a problem by ignoring it...it doesn't work and sex doesn't work either. i can't wait for tomorrow, im absolutely sure he's gonna forget my birthday!!! it's just something else to add to his list of "u're so selfish" things! i can't stop thinking that he got mad with me cause i forgot his daugther's birthday this year...it's f** up.

someone left me a comment saying that he has been reading my blog for one month and he doesn't know what i want or what i need to be happy... i don't have this blog for that. i have it so that i can vent all the stuff that happens to me online...that's it.

my buddy A and i are getting closer each day, today he wrote something beautiful about us on his blog. i like spending time with him cause he makes me laugh and he got the idea of what this is all about and what he can expect from me and he's happy with it. A is the sweetest guy i've ever met in here and i hope we can be friends forever....and ever.... for real. i have friends like that...friendships that last years. we are getting to know each other...little by little and i like it.

 

i still have the feeling i have more than i can handle and today i really need to vent. ok first E, of course!! well yesterday i didn't talk to him till night and when he came online it was to tell me that he was in the middle of something very big and he really needed to go...damn im so stupid that i thought that maybe he could be preparing something for my birthday, stupid me!!!! today he came online in the morning and he told me what that big deal was... something for his work... anyway i got so mad with myself then when he started saying he was missing me and all that bullshit i just told him i had to leave. he had never remembered my birthday since the day we met... never. i always remember his of course and even his daughter's. no comments....

something good... me and A have been chatting a lot lately, we have been spending a lot of time together here so when he told me was thinking how to tell me something.... i thought... not again!! but yeah i guess it was...yes again.. he told me he was falling for me. the thing is i do like him very much but i promised myself i would never fall for anybody else again online. i had enough with L and he broke my heart forever so i'm not going through all that again. we decided to be good friends here and give each other what we miss in our relationships...i like that... he's good people and i really appreciate him as a man and as a friend.

"It was nice yesterday finding out so many things about your friend. If i was to write her a word or two and put them in a poem to her could you see that she gets it?...It would be something short, flattering but quite unexcited...it would make her feel special and me look sweet...It would be like a dozen roses on valentines day or that fav song by Joe that she must hear....hummm It would stay on her mind but live in her heart and if given the chance be loves igniting spark....should i give her more....okay.. It would be a reminder for her that threw thick and threw thin she had somebody to run to whenever there was a problem...even if i am on a deserted island with just suncream she could find me. So you see if i was to write these couple of words and put it into a poem to her, it could be a sign i think of what could be the beginning of a very special time...what do you think?....should i write it to her?"

i have too many friends online... i can't handle it. yesterday i was talking to people from 2pm till 7pm and cause i had to go... i like spending time with them but some days is just too many hours on the computer and i don't like that.

E is back and missing me... we are living one of those periods of calm after the storm... i love it!!! damn why are we so passionate... when we love we love with all our hearts and when we dislike we do it with the same intensity. i've been talking to him while he's at work which i prefer cause when E is at work he is the sweetest guy in the world. i don't get much of him anyway... 10 maybe 20m a day... but that's better than nothing.

i still talk to T... remember the guy from south africa, yesterday we shared a lot of pics and he told me he has a girlfriend, didn't talk much about her though. SW sent me an email yesterday saying he was missing me... that was soooooooo cool. i miss him too i miss chatting voice for hours with him. i got an email from him answered right away and i got another but unfortunately i didn't check my mail till later so i missed it... he wanted us to skype... damn!!!!!!!!!

u're not gonna believe what happened to me yesterday!! about a year ago i met this guy online (it seems my stories all start the same...lol) anyway, he's on his 40's, not tall, he was on the military and his wife is japanese. we used to have a good time together but then his wife came home on vacation (she actually lives in japan) and he stopped talking to me... just like that, without an explanation, nothing. i thought....men!!! now he has what he wants so he doesn't need me anymore and i didn't give it too much importance. a couple of weeks ago he sent me a message and we started talking again. well yesterday he told me the reason why he disappeared was that he was having some feelings for me and he also told me he wants to be my lover!!!!!!!!!! can u believe that?? i was like....what is this all about??? but yeah he was serious, he wants to be my lover on the internet and outside the internet....(does this just happen to me??? do i attract this kind of shit??). if u are wondering what i answered ....lol... well i told him i don't need or want a lover in or outside the internet. that i've been there already and it's not worth the effort or the pain, but u know i got the impression he didn't give a damn about what i said.... he keeps thinking one day im gonna be his lover...lol. this is so unreal...

A is backkkkkkkkkkkkkk... yes yes yesssssss. i always have such a good time with this guy, he's so real and funny. we laugh and enjoy each others company so much!! no sexual stuff to spoil our friendship, we can tease and play around cause we both know it's just us having fun.

i talked to E yesterday.. he even thanked me for not arguing and for the nice chat before he signed out...strange thing on him. it looks like he's gonna be very busy from now on... even more than usual so i suppose i won't get much of him.

it seems like everybody's back... which is good of course. i got another message from the lover... he keeps saying how much he liked meeting me and he asked me for some more pics. i've seen a bit more of him, let's say i saw the only part of him it was left to see... on one of his blogs, and i have to say he has a hell of a ..... thing....lol.

i love the new yahoo version... i have it for quite a while but it was a beta version and nobody else had it... but now at last is working and today i had 4 messages on my voice mail when i signed in....i love it!!!!! lol. now im gonna be able to chat voice with everyone...well everyone except E of course...yesterday he came online late at night and i told him how mad i was. not a big deal for him anyway, he told me...well fine...and i said yeah it's always fine for u...one of these days this is gonna end and im gonna feel like shit again...

lol... what a day!! the lover just left me a message:

i see ur pictures, i try to separate ur body from ur mind, ur perfect proportional small body and ur eyes conquered me till the last contour of my own body, every time i think of it... ur mind is fascinating...and that's all im gonna say...

 

i've been in such a bad mood today!! 10m ago when i signed in to my yahoo i saw E had sent me a message...yeah a message saying...im back!!! now isn't that nice!!! he's back ....wow...i don't have the f* idea where he's back from... but that doesn't seem to bother him...................shit!!! im so mad i could bite him. but im not here to talk about E. im here to talk about this new blonde guy, T...yeah we've just chatted for a while and he told me that he didn't like my blog for the eroticism i have there, he didn't even know i had such an erotic place, that he liked it for the way i use words and pics (last posts are not erotic at all )... now isn't that cute?? i think so. im just a woman u know... and i love to hear some kinds of things... as when a guy says he likes my mind... i just love it much more than when they say they love my body..... (all this has to do with my other blog as u have already realized, a place where i share about my real life not like this one that i use to vent about my internet life). well i really like the fact he took his time to read it, trying to find out more about me... it was about time!! most of the time it's me trying to know them better... and deep inside they don't give a damn about me... just want to get into my pants...lol... yeah i know im a bitter today... well we all have days like this...

 im feeling a bit sad lately cause it seems my online buddies don't look for me anymore and im so mad with E... so mad!!! so someone new is refreshing. A disappeared again, C is working like crazy and M is mad with me cause i told him all he wanted from me was getting into my pants...

yesterday i got an email from a guy who read my blog and liked it very much... i can't deny i like when i get this kind of emails...i don't write for other people but it's good to know that people enjoy reading u. i added him to my messenger and we talked for a while... good conversation... he's not my type, blonde... u all know my problem with blondes by now...yuckkkkkkk!!! lol but he's an attorney, very educated and i really enjoyed our chat. we exchanged pictures a few minutes before our chat ended...so i wonder what's next... he seemed to like what he saw....so im curious about our next time together.

i feel terrible. u know i've been away, i needed some time off, so i haven't talked to anyone these last days except E. well yesterday i sent C an email saying that i was missing his emails which is true and that i knew he was gonna forget me soon cause he wasn't writing to me anymore... i got an email from him today saying that due to his job he has been working 18 hours a day helping people in the mississipi area...i felt so bad, me thinking about my selfish being and accusing him of neglecting me while he is doing his best to help all those people suffering...

besides that yesterday i talked to E and told him that sometimes i feel frustrated for spending so much time here waiting to talk to him. it's true some days i really wanna spend some time with him but all i get are little crumbs of his time...5m now 10 then and deep inside i think that in a way he doesn't have the need to talk to me as he used to. i know that while i was on vacation he seemed to miss me very very much but that was mainly cause things went crazy for him and lady p wasn't here to tell him everything was gonna be ok, listen to him and give him all the stability and comfort he needed. now when he's feeling fine he doesn't need me and sometimes i think that im even a burden (even though yesterday he told me i wasn't). the thing is that i decided to spend less time online, delete all the guys who only want cyber (lately that annoys me very much) and don't wait for him anymore... if he is here fine if he isn't ...bad luck. actually i haven't heard from him since yesterday, not an offline message or an email...nothing... he just doesn't care.... i wish he were more thoughtful. yesterday when i told him that i was spending too much time in here...he told me...i don't think so and i like to think u spend time online to be with me... he's so fucking selfish!!!!!!!!!!! it's all about him and him and him...and he is the one who can only stay for 10m cause he has to do this or that... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....he makes me so mad sometimes...