Memoirs

exactly one year ago i talked to L for the last time ... i feel proud of myself , of the way i got over it and how im here today remembering those days of pain without a scar. im glad all that happened, im glad i found out the truth about him...im glad i could see the man he really was. i always prefer the truth...even when it hurts.

im gonna be away from the internet for a few days...but i'll be back...soon

i forgot to tell u i finally chatted with my secret admirer.... yeah two nights ago he showed on yahoo and he's a complete stranger (im definitely paranoid!!!). he's a tall, slim canadian, who works with oil explotation. actually i didn't like him at all, besides not liking the way he looks ( he showed me some pics of his face) i don't like the way he is. i like passionate men, full of life with a sarcastic sense of humor, full of self-esteem, ambitious, assertive, tender and loving...yeah i know!!!! lol... well this guy is all the contrary... so i suppose i should have listened to him and talked only by email. now he is not my secret admirer anymore and there's no more mystery around him...

E has been working too hard, i bearly talk to him lately and i hate when that happens. i miss him, miss our chats, miss knowing what's going on in his head, miss seeing him on cam... i miss my E!!!!!!!! u know i could have all the perfect guys in the world talking to me and i would still miss E, that's cause he's unique and so special!! he said he was gonna call me but he didn't.... yeah im sadddddddd....

yesterday i had a very busy afternoon here, M was on...i never told u about M!! ok ok let's see... i met M like one year ago more or less, he's on the military, married, on his 30's, bald and in a way kind of handsome. M is a cool guy the only real problem is that he keeps telling me he's in love with me. i hate that!! i just can't stand it... i always tell him to stop saying that, that he doesn't know me at all. we  have a strange friendship cause most of the time i think he's lying to me... i don't even know why i keep talking to him, maybe cause he makes me laugh and he's a good guy deep inside but there are so many things that are really impossible... i think he lies to make his life seem more interesting and lies are like snowballs... u start with a nut and end up with an entire avalanche, so now he is afraid of telling me he's been lying and his lies keep growing... anyway as i said before i think he's a good guy deep inside ... now im asking myself... should i stop talking to him? well im gonna leave that right there and i'll deal with it later. K was also online trying to get what he is always trying to get... u know... i know exactly what he wants when his conversation starts with... u're such a beautiful woman P... he says that and i think... oh oh he's horny!! lol... im sorry can't help it... anyway this guy is not what i thought he was gonna be... he forgot about me completely during sometime cause he was busy with somebody else...so now i talk to him but not like before... there were someone else that i can't remember right now... so it wasn't really important and that is all about my afternoon.

i only kept a few things from L. my intention was to throw away everything related to him but i couldn't. i kept some pics, i saved our last chat online, a tshirt he sent me and two emails. i don't think i will ever get rid of that, the pics and our last chat are here to remind me how much he hurt me, the emails and the pics are important to me. that tshirt had his smell on it when he sent it to me and the emails are two masterpieces of erotic writing...lol. i suppose im gonna be thinking about him more often these days cause it was around this time a year ago that all happened... black days...hard time. but i got over it as i told him i would and now he's only a memory... sometimes good.... most of the time bad.

 

not every guy on the internet have the same importance... just like in real life. there are different levels here too. on the top of the pyramid there's L, he is the one and he will always be, not for what he is but for what he meant to me. he will always be a part of my life, not only in a good way but definitely a part of my life. the changes i went through while we chatted were so huge that i can never forget him. next to him there's E, he is my very best friend and the only guy i would meet and have something with...something hot and passionate i'm sure...lol. below them and in a much lower level are all the other guys. M... A and SW are the ones i consider more important... they are guys who i've shared a lot of time with and some of them know me pretty well. after these all the rest are the kind of guys who are here today but gone tomorrow. like the bodyguard who i met some time ago but with who i never chat for long, the lover, u know about him, my csi of planes, very sweet and good selecting poems but completely invisible, the secret admirer, who i never chatted with.... and so on... i just wanted to make things clear cause sometimes it seems like it's all the same but it's not... level 1 has nothing to do with level 3....lol.

ok my secret admirer is officially back. i got an email from him yesterday. i also got a pic from the bodyguard... a very interesting pic, he went to the bathroom to take the pic with his cell and all i can say is that it's the kind of pic i would never post here... too explicit...lol. what else?? ohh yeah E just got pissed with me and signed out... just like that, pretty much his style... anyway with him u never know. u start what seems a good conversation and u end up like this. i wonder how it is to live with him... one thing is when this happens here online, u just forget it and keep going with ur own life. but what if u have to share ur life and house with a person like that... i mean don't get me wrong he's my best friend online.... i share a lot with him but he's so moody!!! u never know.... ohh yes...A is back, i texted him this morning and he's back online....having a smoke right now but ready to chat... i missed our chats...

i wish i could go back to the beach...just me and the ocean again...

it was very hot i must admit.... i talked to the lover today...online of course. it's curious because i had this feeling our meeting had been too much real for him as i told him today and he said that was the reason why he behaved so much...lol. it's true he did behave!! well today he asked me to get a glass of water and a pen... he told me to wet my finger in the water and rub it around my nipple... now taste it and describe that taste to me, he said. i tried... it's very difficult to describe a taste but i tried... then he asked me to write his name with the pen under my nipple, on my skin...and finally he told me to use the water to delete it...wowwwwwwwwwwww...damn that made me feel hot. and to finish our chat he turned on his webcam and showed me a nice boner...lol. ohh yeah he also sent me a kiss...

ok i got a few messages from A while i was away and my sweet E called me twice. it was so amazing... the first time he called me i was on the beach and the second time i was walking in the street thinking of him and what he could possibly be doing and in that very moment my cell rang and it was him!!!!! i was so happy to hear his voice, we chatted for about 40m, it was my babe there in a very good mood telling me how much he was missing me....ohhhhhhhhhhhh.... i still remember the feeling... he made me feel wanted and i love that feeling... don't u?? lol... yeah as i always say... E can be a sweet...

 i talked to him today and he was not in such a good mood he had problems last week and he didn't wanna tell me cause he thought i needed to relax and have a good time so he didn't wanna burden me with his problems... i didn't like that... at all!!! i believe friends are for good and bad times, especially for bad times when u need someone to share ur pain with... so i wish he had called me and told me what was going on. anyway he was sad and down today but for the first time he stayed, didn't go away as he always do when he feels bad. i feel so helpless when this happens i wish i could be there and hug him tight...

im back!!! i arrived yesterday!! it's good to be home again....

ok about my vacation, not much to tell since i didn't get online in two weeks... a lot of sun, beach, lots of good coffees, mojitos and good company... ohh yeah good company reminds me of my meeting with the lover...it was cute... he sent me an sms as soon as he got home from his vacation, that was on saturday and we decided to meet on monday but i couldn't go on monday so we met on wednesday....it was interesting. we met on this cute cafe i like so much, it's a quiet place, very stylish and the cappucinos there are wonderful! so i got there first after helping him getting there by phone. he came right after me... we kissed ( on the cheek!!!!!) and we sat. table for two, soft music and two cappucinos... first thing he told me was... mmm i like the way u smell...lol...i said thanks and from there we started a very nice chat... i felt really comfortable with this guy... we seemed good old friends chatting... he has beautiful eyes, deep look but that's all... no feeling... no attraction... nope!!! i knew that from the beginning... he's not my style but he can surely be my friend if he wants to. i'm happy with the experience though, i like when internet becomes life in a good way...it's always like ....a good surprise.

no emails today, no offline messages... this sucks... but yesterday something unexpected happened. i was showing online on my msn... thing that hardly ever happens and this guy we gonna call "the lover" said hi... we found out we gonna be at the same place during the next two weeks so he asked me if he could invite me to have a coffee... u bet i said yes!!!!!!! he's not my style at all physically, he has a nice body don't get me wrong and he's very very stylish... just not my style... even though i appreciate his interest. yesterday he told me not to worry cause he was not he kind of guy who calls everyday ( i gave him my cell number) even to such a beautiful pair of lips and wonderful black hair...lol. by the way i don't know what everybody has with my lips lately... yesterday a friend sent me a short story called... the thief of kisses and he dedicated to ....."the one who has a pair of lips capable of easily converting the shyest man in a daring thief of kisses"...now isn't that beautiful??

im leaving tomorrow and when i come back i'll tell u all about my coffee with the lover... that's a deal!

it's a really nice day outside and no news here so far. im leaving on vacation on thursday and i'll be away for two weeks. yeah a bit of real life... the thing is i won't be able to write here and i wouldn't have anything to write about anyway cause im gonna stay away from computers.... just beach, sun and good company. sooooooo.... that's all for today...at least for now...

wow i've just got an email from SW...i know i never told u about him and that is cause i thought i was gonna have to delete him from my computer and life... i hate when i have to do that. ok the story.... i met SW ... let me check...last march on skype. i sent him a message he wasn't online he sent me one i wasn't here either and like that for a week till we finally could chat. the thing is that SW was a very nice guy...really nice. so we got to know each other well, we used to talk for hours, voice conversation, that's what skype is all about. (by the way u should try it, it's an amazing way of comunication) he was away from home by then and feeling lonely sometimes so it was good for him to get home and have someone to share with even if it was only someone on his computer and i learned so much with him!!!! he's a journalist so his english is absolutely amazing and clean. with him i could easily learn 2 or more words a day and we also share the same taste for music... we would spend hours listening to each others music. it was a clean and pure friendship so rare to find here!!!!!!!! before he went back to the states he sent me one of his fav books and a couple of cds. then he disappeared for about a month... no emails, no sms, no phone calls, nothing. i thought something had happened to him, i was convinced... he was not the kind of guy who just disappears like that. a couple of weeks ago i had a dream i was getting an email from him and that he was fine... don't laugh it's true, two days later i got an email from SW saying he was ok and thanking me for not giving up on him. now isn't that absolutely scary? lol. he has a new job and i have heard from him just twice. he says he's very busy and right now he doesn't have the time to chat but he also says in today's email that he still has a place for me and he thanks me again for being so patient ( patience is not one of my virtues!!!!! lol) so i suppose im gonna be here for him, keep in touch without asking for anything in return. i can do that for a friend...