Memoirs

u know L and i used to have a blog. it was a place where we used to post poems and stuff we wanted to tell one another. i deleted it imediately after i decided not to talk to him anymore. yesterday i was checking some old cd's and i found a few pics of him and i realized one thing... i don't miss him but i do miss the way he used to make me feel... sometimes i do. but now when i look at his pics all i feel is that i could never trust this guy again...

i don't feel much like writing here lately and i don't even know why, maybe cause life has been boring lately... no big deal.E was here yesterday cause he was horny, he got what he wanted and right now he's online but didn't buzz me... fuck him. well just another weekend went by...i watched "hitch" again this afternoon, i really like that movie it makes me think about my fav subject "human relationships". well will smith makes me think about a lot of other things but i don't wanna go there now...lol. C has been silent lately...and my secret admirer just stopped sending emails...ohhh yeah i didn't share that here. well one day i got an email which subject was...a present from a secret admirer... it was a pic of a guy, naked pic (of course!!) of a caucasian blonde guy. he's in a bathroom and it shows all of him except his face and also this message...Just a present from an admirer !I hope its not too bold of me ?with kisses and kind thoughts. i answered the email and we wrote each other a few more. then he started asking me questions and from the beginning i thought this guy was someone i knew... i know sometimes im a bit paranoic...anyway i told him we should talk, i really wanted to listen to his voice and be sure i didn't know the guy so he asked me for my phone number and i gave it to him... and that was the last time i heard from him what makes me think that maybe i was right...

yesterday C left me a lot of offline messages on my yahoo... i like when he does that, they make my day... i wish i could talk to this guy more often.

"Plz do not deceive yourself into thinking I will someday forget about you. That would only be; what we call a "pipe" dream!! A fantasy like aspiring to be "king" of the universe. Honey, plz do not indulge in that kind of wasteful thinking.
I need you in my life. I will come there at a moments notice if you stop talking with me. So, now that we have that straight, where are you, my soulmate? Also, how are you? I do hope you have recovered from your "bad" bout with that monthly cycle. Honey, let me know how you are, affectionately & with hugs & kisses, (alias-"C")."

he is such a sweet don't u think so?? sometimes he writes a lot of bullshit and i just think come on C am i suppose to believe that??? but most of the time i like getting his stuff.

yesterday i was posting something here but a storm started just like that with a frightening thunder and i turned off the computer... i hate storms!!!!!!but as least i could sleep cause it got cooler with all the rain. lets see today i feel like sharing a bit more about L. he used to call me about three times a week, we used to talk everyday, several times a day on here, we exchanged presents through mail....this guy never touched me but he hurt me more than anyone else. he hurt me with his lies, his lies turned all he was and all he said in a bunch of bullshit...he did the worst thing to me...cause i got to a point where i didn't know who should i believe anymore since i was dealing with two liars... he used to say he didn't like asking for things and that was true...i remember once he was at home and i said i missed seeing his face so he offered me to go to school ( he didn't have a cam at home) and i said...no, don't do that but he did... he drove to school so that we could cam. some other time i said i was missing his voice and he was like...i don't have a phone card here baby...but u know what u wait here and im gonna buy one... so he went out bought the card and we talked for one hour...he used to be sooo aware of all my needs and since im not a person who asks for anything either he wanted to satisfy all my wants...we used to send each other sms. that started when he told me he couldn't come online for some time what i didn't know by then was that he couldn't come online cause he was f ... someone...lol yeah he was busy dealing with 3 woman at the same time. once i told him he was a hunter and we were all his preys and he told me i was wrong... but i wasn't... we make him feel good, he feels he's the best cause he can have any woman he wants...but this world is so small, tiny, and when i found out about what was going on on his life and how he had been lying to me...i just said goodbye. im not into drama, and i will never let a guy know im in pain for him... never. so i just told him how much i hated lies and that i could not keep talking to someone i didn't trust and that...... was a year ago. till the last moment he tried to keep what we had and he finished everything with her... that's something she will never forget... he chose me, his internet affair, instead of her who had done a lot of stuff for him. so she is the one who was dumped and i was the one who left him i suppose that's why she tried to hurt me with her words....i don't know and i don't care...

i was talking to this guy online who was trying to make me play with him, u know he even showed me he was naked under his shirt and even though im dam horny today it didn't do anything to me. there's only one guy i play with here online (maybe im really a one man woman...yuckkkkk...that sucks!!!) anyway i really love playing with him he has the cutest one i've ever seen and he knows how to turn me on... yeah.. i miss him a lot but he was busy today so no fun for lady p.

today i wanna tell u something about E. about a month ago i went out for dinner with three guys ( no it was not a foursome just a dinner and yes i do have a real life too...lol) anyway while i was having dinner my cell rang so i got it and it was E..."where are u? at the restaurant i said. it's almost midnight he said with a very pissed voice. so what? we've finished dinner and we're having a drink.what's wrong with u?...." we chatted a little more and i hung up the phone with a smile on my face... he was jealous... can u believe that?? my E is unique.... next day he sent me an email saying he was sorry and he didn't have the right... but it surely made me smile.

yesterday i went to bed early cause i was feeling bloated and tired and had an awful headache...well let's see i got a message from C who was online yesterday soon enough to catch me...wow...but even though i wasn't here so we couldn't talk and another one from A. poor thing his computer has a virus and he's been fighting it...i really hate when that happens its the worse thing it can happen to ur computer, it just screws up everything. it's already so hot here and it's only 10am we gonna have a hell of a day...

let me tell u a bit more about E...yesterday night before i went to bed we chatted a bit...u know to share about our days. he's a very muscular guy and he has this cute round ass...mmmm. our relationship has always been like very sexual...i lust what i see... and i've seen it all...lol ...and he is deeply in love with my booty... yep. i love his hands, he has long fingers and nice shaped nails. u know when we first met he didn't have a cam but i insisted so much he end up buying one. the day he showed himself on cam for the first time he had a suprise for me... he bought me 3 yellow roses. im serious!!! and the most amazing thing is that he is not like that... he's a very practical guy, not into romantic stuff at all...so as u can see E has a little heart too...lol..he does... actually is a very big heart i wish he would use it some more instead of thinking with his little head all the time...

while i was writing my last post E buzzed me on yahoo... he's weird. he told me he stayed away from the computer the entire weekend which is true cause i saw he was idle for 1 day and 12 h and i thought wow... i had never seen that before, somebody being idle for an entire day so i thought that maybe he had gone out and get some of that sex he needs so much.....but u know as usual his way of contact me was.... "i can see that if i don't talk to u i may never hear from u again"....shit who said he needed time? it wasn't me!!! anyway he came back with the same questions....have u talked to anyone and as usual he didn't even cared to ask about my weekend... what for??? he had already told me about his...see what i mean? selfishhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

i got an email from C today. let me tell u about C, he works with planes he's what i call a CSI of wreckages. we talked about 3 times here on the internet and then he just disappeared, he's never online but he keeps sending me emails and leaving me messages on my yahoo. he's a very... how would i describe him... he's very sweet and tender and from the first moment he told me he liked me very much, when he saw my pic he told me i was just perfect for him and on our sec talk he told me i was the woman of his life...so i laughed...then he told me he was in love with me and i told him he was crazy and then he said he loved me and i said enough!!! i hate when people use those words in a vain way. i mean love is a very big word and a very big feeling that should never be confused with lust. anyway i really admire the level of his english which is very high and his emails make me smile so i just let it be... i like the poems he sends me and it's nice to get an email from a guy who adores u even though it's all bullshit...lol

"Wanting You"

You are so amazing
When I look into your eyes
I feel nothing but cravings

You make me feel so ecstatic
Chills rush down my spine
My heart beats fast
I feel warmth throughout my body

All I hope for is just one kiss
Your sweet lips against mine
My arms around you
Holding you until the end of time

this is one of the poems he sent me today. he doesn't write them nooooooooope... i know exactly where he gets all these poems from but they are still beautiful. i love poetry and i love this feeling of being adored... don't u?

A is not online today....A is the sweetest guy i've ever known and he has the most beautiful eyes too, but he knows that already...lol. well A is my new friend, he's a cool guy with a bored life, he's not working right now so he misses having something to do but he keeps busy and he doesn't complain. A is amazing fixing pics, he can make a normal pic look like art. we met in a different place, this time was not a chatroom and its all clean about our friendship, no sexual stuff...for now...lol...although he's trying. i suppose he likes what he sees just like i do, he looks good and he's very sexy. we never talk at the weekends cause he has a gf and usually he spends time with her but then from monday to friday A is mine for a couple of hours...lol. he's gonna be 34 soon, and im gonna send him a birthday present. u know the other day A was complaining that people think that just because this is internet u can just be a jerk and it's ok, that people use u for what they need and then just forget u...i know sometimes is like that but i told him that i was not a jerk, that i was for real and i really wanted to be his friend and i meant it. so im gonna send him something i did for him to let him know he can count on me...i hope he likes it.

ok E and i are taking a break, yeah he decided he needed some time to think about what he did last time we talked. u know E is a sweet cool guy when he wants to, the problem is most of the time he doesn't...lol. yeah he is jealous and possessive, he would be happy if i lived on a desert island where no one could see me or talk to me. so he keeps asking me if i had any contact with my other friends on the internet or if any of my students have been flirting with me...yeah i know!!! but we met 2 years ago and he is the only guy who i ever cried with. he knows me very very well, he used to say he was my black twin. he knows exactly the way im feeling just by the way i say hi, we have shared a lot in here, lots of problems from our real lives. the problem with E is that he is sooooooo selfish and when he gets pissed he just can't think...he says what comes to his mind and most of the time he hurts me with his words. so now i can see he is online but im invisible, not talking to him and im having some peace....i wish he could just have some sex... he needs it...ohhh yeah he does!

L was able to made my day with his emails, messages, phone calls.... when i heard his voice for the first time i thought it was just perfect... it couldn't get any better. he has a sweet voice, deep, he speaks slowly and firmly. listening to his voice will always make my heart skip a beat, no matter what, always... anyway i used to love the way he raises his eyebrow when he doesn't like what he hears or the way he bends his head back when he laughs. as i said before he's handsome... he's not too tall, fit, not too muscular, nice arms, light dark skin, perfect teeth, wonderful chest, a very cute goatee and big dark eyes that can drive anyone crazy. well he did that to me...lol. i fought for a while against what i was feeling, even after he started using the 3 words. i didn't wanna say that not unless i was really sure of what i was feeling. but what could i do against so much attention and such a perfect guy....wait a sec... i know what u're thinking and i never thought he was perfect like in ....without flaws. he was perfect for me!!. i could see his flaws perfectly, he likes to control, he likes to be the center of the universe, he is stubborn even when he knows he is not right and he adores himself but his worst flaw is that he is a liar. but that liar could make me feel the most beautiful woman in this world....lol

i used to have an email from him everyday. he used to comment stuff we had talked about the night before, tell me how much he missed me and how much he liked me more and more with each new chat. the truth is that we are alike in a lot of things and we do have the same strength and strong character. in one of his emails he told me something very interesting and odd at the same time. he wrote... "u're special P, u're a very special lady, and i want u. i want u to be mine and im gonna do anything i have to... to get u. u're a challenge and u know how i love challenges and when this ends u will be mine." i read that and i thought... ohhh no baby! so i answered his email saying that i was not a possession and that i would never belong to anyone... he liked that!!!!!!!! so much. if there was something L liked about me was the fact that he knew i would fight, i would never do anything to please him but i would do it cause i wanted to and that i would never say what he wanted to hear but what i really believed.

that night i was on my computer earlier than usual and i waited for him. he has a great sense of humor, a bit sarcastic, which makes it very similar to mine. so we used to have a very good time together. the first 3 days we talked about anything u can imagine. we are from different countries and have different backgrounds even different races so we had a lot to share and we did! the conversation was always so interesting, so dynamic, so different from everything else, there was no effort made from any of us to make it flow it was natural. we were so interested in each other, we were like sponges absorbing knowledge. and let me tell u he is a very handsome sponge!!!! lol. he sent me some more pics during the following days and i couldn't believe i was talking to such a cute guy. the amazing thing was that he thought the same about me. four days after our first chat he told me he had a webcam and he wanted to see me, from then and for the next 2 years we talked on cam almost everyday.

i was online one day, this was back when msn still had chatrooms and i was doing what i always do in a chatroom. i was browsing profiles starting by the last one. in this particular room almost everybody had a pic so i was having a great time checking the pics when i opened one particularly interesting. i thought to myself...omg this guy is gorgeous!! this is the typical guy who would never answer me...lol and i went on with what i was doing. five minutes later i got a private and what was my surprise when i realized it was the handsome guy. we started talking and the conversion flowed in a special way u know the feeling... i didn't want it to finish and he seemed to feel the same way. we exchanged pics and email addresses and i was hoping he would keep in touch so next day i couldn't wait to get to my computer and open my msn. i felt something special when i saw his name between my emails and i liked it even more when i read it. he seemed to be impressed and he was setting a new chat for that night... i thought ....yesssssssssssssss!!!